A Duel of Darkness?
by Seiji Narita Kaiba Sakano
Summary: Qu'est-ce que s'est passe? Has all of Domino City gone insane? Yes, actually they have. And it's all thanks to this series of five insanity fics by me and the Big Announcer Voice in the Sky (who would like to take this opportunity to say Domino City was A


A/N: Expect insanity. Expect randomness (randomoscity...). Expect characters acting completely out of character. Expect things that shouldn't come from anyone/thing in their right mind. That's what you get when you read works from me. That, and a million words describing the colors of Yugi and Seto's eyes... Disclaimer... Seiji ::deep breath:: What kind of idiot would even THINK I owned Yu-Gi- Oh?? Do I LOOK like Kazuki Takahashi to you? Also, I don't own the phrase "ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha". That belongs to the king of sci-fi lit, Douglas Adams. I do, however, own the Big Announcer Voice in the Sky... B.A.V.S. ::smile:: That's me! Seiji: Yes, it is. Now, B.A.V.S., tell them what they've won! B.A.V.S. ::blink:: Nothing. This isn't a game show. Seiji: Who says? ::sigh:: Anyway, enjoy the fic, and try not to go crazy reading it...  
  
Short Insanity Fic Number 1: A Duel of Darkness????  
  
The duel had raged on for hours, and looked as though it had no intentions of ending anytime soon. The spotlights flooded the arena with a fluorescent white glow; the cheering of the audience was deafening. On the playing grounds, Seto Kaiba's aquamarine eyes locked with Yugi Mutou's violet ones.  
After a couple more moments of blank, yet menacing stares, Kaiba's eyes flickered down towards his cards.  
"Ha!" screamed Yugi, jumping triumphantly out of his chair. "You blinked! I win!!" Kaiba lowered his head in defeat.  
99.999% of the crowd presently raised one collective eyebrow, questioning the two duelists' sanity. The other 0.001%, Marik Ishtar and Ryou Bakura, were too busy arguing over who got the last nacho...  
Kaiba rolled his eyes in Yugi's general direction. "Are you going to make your move anytime this year?"  
"Just a minute." Yugi adjusted his jacket and smirked; the background behind him faded from reality to a bluish-blackish swirl.  
"Not again," Kaiba groaned, sitting back in his seat and crossing his arms.  
Yugi took a deep breath, preparing for the transformation. "Yu- Gi–Ahhh!!" he shrieked, stumbling and almost falling to the ground. He stared at his feet at the random fluffy Kuriboh which had been rolling casually past. The Kuriboh squeaked its apologies and rolled away with Yugi staring incredulously after it.  
"Hey, Yuge!" Joey Wheeler yelled from the crowd. "Wasn't dat s'posed ta be 'Yu-Gi- OH'?!"  
"Oh, whatever," muttered Yugi as he quickly turned into his yami and sat back down at the dueling table, placing a card down. Yami said quickly, blushing, "I'll place this card face down and end my turn...."  
"And finally," the Big Announcer Voice in the Sky said, completely bored, over the speakers, "after a four-hour delay, the duel commences."  
(Alright, so I lied. The duel didn't rage on for hours. The staring contest did.)  
"Well," said Kaiba mockingly, "in answer to your face-down card, I'll play... Gyakutenno Megami in attack mode!" He smacked the card down on the table and smirked; the hologram projectors whirred, sputtered and shut down completely. Sweatdropping and laughing nervously, Kaiba banged his fist against one of the machines; they whirred and again came back to life. The miniature fairy monster finally, to steal Joey's word, 'hologrammed' into being.  
"Wait!" Yugi exclaimed, on the verge of jumping up again. "That's cheating! You have to sacrifice first!"  
Kaiba once again stared blankly at his opponent for a while, then said, "It's my tournament and I'll do what I want to." He stuck out his tongue as punctuation. "Now, Gyakutenno Megami, attack his life points directly!"  
Silence resonated throughout the stadium as the fairy, completely motionless, gazed upwards at her opponent, then suspiciously glanced back at her master.  
"You want... me... to attack... that?"  
Kaiba blinked. "Um, yeah! Now attack!"  
Gyakutenno Megami smirked the patented Kaiba-Smirk ( © 2000, Seto Kaiba and the Kaiba Corporation) at him. "What if I don't wanna?" she said defiantly.  
Kaiba blinked again, flabbergasted. "Then... I'd be very... mad," he said lamely.  
"Thought so," Gyakutenno Megami stated smugly, and without another word, sauntered off to the side of the table, jumped off, and walked away in search of a random fluffy Kuriboh to follow, catch and tame.  
A stunned silence (seems to be a lot of those lately, eh?) followed this event, abruptly broken by the words "I bought the whole lot of them, so the last one should be MINE!!"  
One thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight confused heads turned to look at the source of the biting British accent. Ryou Bakura laughed nervously and said to the crowd through clenched teeth, "We'll be right back." He stood, grabbed Marik by the ear, and led him crying from the arena.  
"Riiight. Anyway, "Yami said, shaking his head. "Since your monster is now– ahem– nonexistant..." He suppressed a laugh. "... I'll play the Celtic Guardian in attack mode!"  
The little warrior appeared on the field, this time without a problem from the hologram projectors (Kaiba supposed this was because the projectors were now afraid of his Fonzie-like might). However, before Yami could issue a command, the Guardian groaned and whined, "Oh, Ra, not again! I'm going somewhere where I'll be appreciated!" With that, he ran across the field, jumped into the middle of Kaiba's deck and dematerialized.  
Kaiba's stunned cerulean eyes once again mirrored Yami's equally stunned plum-purple ones. "Let's... try that again, shall we?" he asked breathlessly. Yami only nodded mutely. "Um... Thunder Nyan Nyan in attack mode?"  
The tiny young jungle vixen in tiger-print garb appeared on the playing field, but instantly glared fiercely back at Kaiba. "You really expect me to attack for you, Seto Kaiba?" she asked nastily. "Or should I say..." An evil smile crossed the Thunder Nyan Nyan's lips which vaguely reminded Kaiba of a Pegasus-like villainess.  
"...Thaddeus Millard Poindexter the Third?"  
A collective gasp rose from the audience. The grin on the Thunder Nyan Nyan's face grew, if possible, even wider. "Your secret is out, Thaddeus."  
Kaiba...I mean, Thaddeus glanced nervously around at the people murmuring in the audience, but then laughed and rose to his feet. "That's right! The greatest duelist on earth is I, Thaddeus Millard Poindexter the Third! Not Seto Kaiba!" He practically spat the name out. "I've been living a lie!!"  
More silence.  
"The real Seto Kaiba," Thunder Nyan Nyan continued, capturing the audience with every word she spoke, "was killed many years ago in an unfortunate accident involving a cheese grater and a penguin..." Her eyes became glazed with rememberance. "I do not wish to speak of the... unpleasantness... now." Her expression became even more glazed and soft. "Oh, how I loved him..."  
Even more silence.  
She snapped out of her reverie. "But never mind that! This imposter–"  
"Okay, that's enough out of you..." Kaiba/Thaddeus said quickly, and before the Thunder Nyan Nyan had a chance to protest, he played Dark Hole and sent her to the card graveyard.  
He looked up at his opponent and chuckled nervously. "Uh... Your turn, Yugi."  
Yami's eyes narrowed dangerously. "Sure thing... Thaddeus."  
He was just about to make his move when a loud snore echoed throughout the arena. "Wow!" exclaimed the Big Announcer Voice in the Sky. "I'd almost forgotten this was even a duel, what with all of the... excitement."  
Kaiba/Thaddeus's countenance darkened in anger. He calmly reached across the table, yanked the Millenium Puzzle off of Yami's neck and hurled it towards the main speaker on the ceiling above them. It made contact; the speaker crackled, shorted out and fell to the ground, crushing Tea Gardener under its devastating weight.  
The stadium erupted in wild cheers and applause.  
Duke Devlin in particular walked down from Row ZZ 83 Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha (a.k.a. the Nosebleed Section) to a microphone that had appeared out of nowhere on the main stage. "Seto– I mean, Thad– I mean... Whoever you are right now," he began, "For doing the entire world such a great favor in ridding us of Tea, the demon apricot girl... I now declare you the uncontested winner of this entire duel and this entire tournament... entirely. Congratulations!"  
"Yes!" screamed Kaiba/Thaddeus excitedly, leaping up to take his trophy. "I, Thaddeus Millard Poindexter the Third, am still the greatest duelist on the face of the earth!" Trophy in hand, he ran from the arena, jumped in his helicopter and flew to Majorca.  
Poor Yami was left behind, still in his seat, looking utterly confused about... life in general. Just when he thought he was about to regain the sanity he had lost during the "duel", the random fluffy Kuriboh came rolling towards him.  
"Excuse me," it said casually and politely, "but could you tell me which way it is to Nairobi from here?"  
Yami silently pointed a trembling hand towards the southwest entrance of the arena.  
"Thank you kindly, sir," the Kuriboh squeaked, and rolled away once again. Yami went pale (-er) and subsequently pounded his head against the duel table a couple dozen times.  
The fluorescent spotlights went dim on the Kaiba (Poindexter?) Dueling Stadium.  
  
A/N: Wow. That was special. And for those of you actually crazy enough to like it... Don't worry! Four more are coming as soon as I get off of my lazy butt and go write them! Also... time to vote. Who gets the last nacho: Ryou or Marik?... Does it really matter? 


End file.
